Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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