A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
