Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
