...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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