Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
