R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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