i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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