I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
