theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
