somebody snuck up and got me drunk
and you said cock pushups were impossible
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
