i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
