pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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