Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
40s are totally the cure
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
