I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
