Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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