How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
