There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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