Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
fuck your aforementioned shoe
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
