I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
