she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
