If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
