you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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