I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
