I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
