at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
