i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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