I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
