I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
i think my cat just said my name.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
