He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
