Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
