oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
