Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
