Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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