please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
