Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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