my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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