shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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