Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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