just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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