Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
