Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
