I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
