I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
