I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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