Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
