WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
