hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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