I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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