im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Your cock deserves a montage
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
