Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
