Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
